It may take time to fully process the end of a romantic relationship. Identifying what you want from a future relationship and acknowledging the importance of your past one are key steps in helping you move forward.
Most people would agree you generally can’t help who you fall in love with. But in some circumstances, you might wish that weren’t the case.
Maybe you love someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you.
“The longing that accompanies one-sided love can affect emotional well-being and cause a lot of discomfort,” explains Kim Egel, a marriage and family therapist in San Diego.
Or perhaps you love someone who continually demonstrates they don’t have your best interests at heart. Maybe you and a partner love each other intensely but have too many differences to sustain a lasting partnership.
Regardless of the situation, love is a complicated emotion. And even when it’s clear that a relationship isn’t doing you any favors, it can feel impossible to simply turn off your feelings.
These tips can help you start the process of moving forward.
Acknowledge the truth of the situation
Optimism isn’t a bad trait. In fact, the ability to hold on to hope in difficult or painful situations is typically considered a sign of personal strength.
But when it comes to struggling relationships, it’s more helpful to consider the present reality than the future you imagine.
The person you love may not feel the same way. Or maybe you feel wildly in love during intimate moments but spend the rest of your time together disagreeing over just about everything.
Simply realizing your relationship isn’t going anywhere probably won’t make your feelings disappear overnight, but it’s a significant step.
Identify relationship needs — and deal breakers
Taking a careful look at what you want from a relationship, as well as what you absolutely don’t want, can help you pinpoint the ways a love interest may not be the best match.
Say you and your FWB have a great thing going. The more time you spend together, the more connected you feel. Eventually, you realize you’ve fallen in love with them.
But there’s one big issue: Days, sometimes a week or more, often pass without you hearing from them. You send them Facebook messages and notice they’ve been online, but there’s still no reply.
If you prioritize good communication in relationships, their inability to get back to you in a timely manner is a pretty good indicator that they’re not a good match.
When you recognize the ways someone you love doesn’t quite meet your needs, you might have an easier time getting over your feelings.
Accept what the love meant to you
“Some loves might always scratch at your heart,” Egel says. “Some relationships, especially those that were an integral part of growth at pivotal times in our lives, thread through the inner makings of who we become.”
Denying your emotions or their significance can hold you back. Honoring your experience and letting those intense feelings become part of your past can help you begin to find peace and move forward.
What’s more, acknowledging the past importance of your love can help you see how it’s no longer serving you.
Look to the future
Love for an ex or someone who doesn’t return your feelings can limit you. If you stay stuck on someone you can’t have a relationship with, you’ll likely have a hard time finding happiness with anyone else.
Even if you don’t feel ready for anything serious, casual dating can help you realize there are plenty of great people out there.
Once you do want to date more seriously, finding the right partner might still prove challenging. It often takes some time. Dating frustrations can make it especially tempting to dwell on the person you already love.
But commit to looking forward, not back into your past, even if it’s difficult at first.
Prioritize other relationships
People getting over heartbreak often tend to “forget” about other important relationships in their life.
Your friends and family members can offer support as you work to heal. They may even have some helpful insight or wisdom to share from their own experiences.
Loved ones can also provide strength and guidance if you’re trying to heal from the effects of a toxic relationship. Just be sure to pay attention to how your interactions make you feel.
If you feel someone is judging you or your choices, or making you feel bad in other ways, it may be wise to limit your time with them.